No where else

27thof June

Patrick and I wake up early to go back into the city for more tests. My eyes are sore from the day before and we look like walking zombies trying to keep it together. My first scan is a CT scan at 9:30am. They explain the procedure, I lie on a table with a tomb over me. They inject me with a number of things, one being blue die. She says you will feel like you need to pee, it will taste metallic in your mouth and you will pee blue for a couple hours. The blue die certainly made me feel weird down there, it was very warm. I remember laughing to myself that I was worried I pissed myself and how bad my anxiety would be if that happened. I get out to Pat waiting, we decide to go for breakfast around the corner. We sit down and it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if I’m stage 4. What if this is everywhere. Oddly enough I think it hit Patrick too, we hardly spoke about it but we were thinking it. A number of thoughts swirled in my head. How long would I do chemo for? How do I setup a will? What happens to Pat?

After a couple hours I return to the hospital for my bone scan at 12am. They had injected me with radiation in my first scan so I was ready for this one. I entered the room in robes again, lied down on a bed. This scan involved a massive block (best way to describe it). It moves in very close to you and scans very slowly around your body. The monitor above me showed my scan, I was trying to make out what to look for. I mean what does cancer look like? This scan really enhanced my claustrophobia and I really couldn’t wait for it to be over. I leave again, Patrick says will go for a walk,our next meeting is for the results at 2. I don’t remember much talking on our walk, what I do remember is seeing church doors open on the corner of the street and that I needed a minute. I ran over to the church, I walked in and collapsed on a chair. I started to cry. Why me god? Why have you done this? What did I do? Anything I did, I’m so sorry for. Please, please don’t take me from this earth, I’m not ready to go.

Patrick and I walk over to a restaurant, it was a hotel restaurant and only a couple months before we had stayed at this hotel after our wedding. I can’t even manage chips,the clock is ticking, we are closer to 2, closer to our fate. Patrick tells me later he went to the toilet and spewed. He was so scared.1:40 hits and we start slowly making our way back. We enter the building and take the elevator to the 9th floor. We enter the waiting room and the feelings come back from yesterday. We walk through the door and she instantly says “good news, the cancer isn’t anywhere else except your breasts, we have a better picture now on what we need to do.” Patrick and I are over joyed. I quickly get a message in to my sister ‘it’s nowhere else’. She explains my cancer is Her2 negative HR positive.My cancer is hormone related. We discuss options for breasts and I say without question to ‘chop them off’. She gets me in touch with a plastic surgeon who will organise my reconstruction. We discuss how my cancer is the most treatable, that we won’t know much till surgery. I feel relieved.I get home to see a busy house, my poor family were feeling like I was all day, numb. I tell them that it doesn’t seem all that bad, that I will just get it cut out and do whatever treatment if I have too and that’s it. They just look defeated, dad hugs me and says ‘it’s all good but we just don’t want you to go through it’.I instantly recognised that from this moment on I have to be stronger than ever for my family

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