The Diagnosis

Looking back it seems like what happened to me was bound to happen. I noticed the lump last year,I was told by a doctor that it was fat. I remember not feeling 100% about it but why wouldn’t I trust the doctor? In the months that followed it grew bigger.My fingers could feel the circumference of the entire tumour. It was painful when I touched it, every now and then I would feel the pain naturally. For some reason, I just knew what it was. I didn’t want it to be so I waited for my second opinion.

A week before my honeymoon I thought I’d see a doctor to finally put it to bed. An ultrasound followed. I have an appointment with my local doctor who literally tells me its cancer but without telling me, She organises an appointment with a Breast surgeon the next day. I came home that day crying, my older sister tells me I’m being dramatic. Of course she does! We compare ultrasounds, “see it’s the same as mine and mines a cyst”….but it wasn’t the same. My had a marble pattern running through it.The next day we meet with the surgeon who has organised a mammogram and biopsy. She tells me instantly that it’s not a cyst. I’m still hoping it’s a benign tumour. The mammogram was interesting, the biopsy was more painful than I thought. We had organised to see her the next day.

The day was the 26th of June. Mum and I drove into the city together, we were talking normally, we were ourselves. We entered the office, I hardly sit on the chair and the surgeon says ‘I’m not going to sugar coat it, its cancer”.Just like that, my whole world was turned upside down. How do you prepare yourself for something like this? Mums head drops into her lap, I start crying.‘am I going to die?” I ask her. She replies No, but it doesn’t sound convincing, I think I hear mum saying to her “you don’t sound convinced’.Everything is a blur. All I keep thinking is “I just want to go home to my family”. She tells me a number of times that I won’t be hearing her in this moment and that will chat tomorrow. My focus now is trying to get mum out of here, the silence has now turned into a heavy sob. We’re brought into another room, and we hug each other. I cry harder than ever, but my focus still is getting home and getting mum out of the building.We leave for the below level to get blood tests,

I call my husband on the way and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is ‘I’m so sorry’. I hear him crying. I tell him to go straight to my parents house, that I had organised my sisters and brother in laws to meet us there. I finally get mum to the car. Who do I call? My first thought is work so I ring them and let them know I won’t be coming in. I receive calls from friends who I am meant to be travelling with, my best friend and figure I’ll wait tillI’m home to work out the rest. I get home to everyone in the garage, I see my sisters crying. I know what I’m in for but I’m reluctant, this just can’t be real. I see my husband walk towards my car, I open my door and see my mum dart for my dad. I hear her crying, her agony. Patrick wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. I don’t remember saying anything to him but I needed that hug. I walk into the garage, I tell everyone “both lumps are cancer, I have more tests tomorrow to see if its anywhere else”. We get inside, again I think about who I need to call. I manage to call work friends, family members and best friends. Everyone held it together.

We start drinking straight away, for just a second I needed the pain to go away. I have friends and family come over straight away to drink with me. It’s the most comforting thing about this whole fucked up experience. There are so many moments that flash into my mind that day. Looking at my niece and nephew thinking I won’t see them grow up, one of my friends walking in the door holding herself together and the hugs! I told my mum I’ll let her cry like this for one day then tomorrow we fight. And that’s what I’ve done.

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